thefamily

I figure I can write whatever I want without having to worry that someone will write a nasty comment about how terrible I am.  Good.  I need a safe venting place.

I hate Obama.  I hate him.  I never trusted him.  He said he’d help us with the national budget and what does he do?  Goes and lifts a ban that kept money in the U.S. and helped decrease the number of abortions.  I cannot believe he is allowing money to go to other countries to pay for abortions!!!!  How wrong is this on how many levels??  What a hypocritical idiot.

I know he’s pro-abortion, so that part wasn’t hypocritical, but giving money to other countries for it?  When we are in a huge mess ourselves with our economy, the national debt, and our own country’s morals failing. What is this supposed to do?  Oh, help other countries control their population.  Oh, because BIRTH CONTROL (as in CONTRACEPTIVES and ABSTINANCE for teenagers) isn’t an option?  Is it actually easier to provide them with money for abortions instead of condoms and pamphlets in their native tounge?  I’d be willing to go there as an ambassador (given a translator) and teach the people about how not to have babies if they don’t want to get pregnant.   Idiots.

And the thing that gets me even more is the stupid article I read about his doing this incredibly stupid thing used the phrase “family planning” at least a dozen times.  Excuse me, but an abortion isn’t family planning.  Abortions mean someone failed to plan.  Period.  Leaving morals out of it (if that’s even possible) a woman makes a choice to do something promiscuous that gets her pregnant.  Now, given that she isnt’a simpleton, she knows how sex works and how babies are made.  She knows babies are the large side effect of having sex.  Now, if the baby is not “wanted” and yet a baby is what is made then there are other options.  A woman shouldn’t be able to just kill the baby because she’s a selfish, lazy, inconsiderate slut.  Now, let’s say the woman is married and still doesn’t want the baby.  Then she’s a selfish, lazy, inconsiderate jerk.

And President Obama is too.

Family Planning should be parents planning how and when to have their family, how many children to have and when to have them.  How to get pregnant and how to make sure no children are conceived before the parents are ready for them.  Family Planning doesn’t mean how not to take responsibility for your actions and pretend every thing is okay.  That is called irresponsible and immoral.

I came across this blog months ago when someone else (I think maybe Navel Gazing?) put up a link to it on her blog. I asked for permission to post the whole thing on my blog, but was denied since her blog is copyrighted. I think this post is something that every mom who has ever felt frustrated with her children should read. And isn’t that all of us? We all have our moments of craziness whene we are rushed and frazzled and whene we feel like one more thing is going to just push us over the edge. Then we reach that one more thing and what do we do? Go read this and then come back. I’ll wait.

AntiqueMommy
click the link or copy paste this:
http://antiquemommy.com/2008/09/17/in-motherhood-forgiveness-trumps-failure/

Ok, now that you’ve read it and presumably gotten some toilet paper from the bathroom to blow your nose (I never have Kleenex, just good ol’ T.P.) we can go on.

I have thought about this story many times since I first read it a few months ago. While my kids have never said what her little boy stated so eloquently, I know when I get upset at my kids for whatever my personal “ball of tape” is, be it my crafts, sewing, books, fish food, toothpaste, or any of the 100 things I’ve repeatedly asked my kids to stay away from, or when I get mad at them for any other reason, I know that they are thinking and feeling the same way as this little boy.

My New Year’s Resolutions this year mostly involve improving my relationship with my children. I’ve promised myself to play more, be more gentle and understanding, less quick to upset or anger, and no more yelling unless someone is in danger. I haven’t done that great so far, but really, I’ve spent most of the New Year in a van or hotel room with them, unable to escape for even a few moments. Now that we are home and aren’t feeling like we’re duct taped to each other anymore it should be a little easier. I’ve also resolved to go to bed sooner (which I recently discovered means I need to look at a clock more often at night, otherwise it gets to be midnight and I think it’s still 10:30 PM), and write an hour a day (my blog doesn’t count). To help me with these goals I’ve enlisted my husband who, so far, seems happy to help.

I really don’t want to be the mom I am right now. I want to be a better mom. The best mom I can be. I want to have more patience; I want to have a better understanding of what is important and what isn’t; I want to let my kids know that I value them above my “tape.”

Is something I don’t have much of.  In high school I always thought I had some.  Even in college I thought I did.  And then something happened.  I had children.  And then something happened to make it worse.  A lovely woman named Elizabeth told me that I shouldn’t keep things bottled up inside.  From that moment I’ve been like a firecracker.  I guess I need to find a balance.

Some days are better than others.  Some days I am so good with my crazy kids and then at the end of the day I’m worn out and I feel like I just don’t have any self control left to keep my temper at bay.  Other days I have no patience right from the get go.  I used to think that I’d at least have patience with other people (because you know how we always put on a face for our friends and neighbors so they think everything is great, when really, our life is just as stressful as theirs?).  I try to warn people when I’m not feeling particularly patient.  Like when the ol’ Lappy was broken.  I spent HOURS on the phone trying to get help from the Geek Squad.  I did not want to get my three kids out of the apartment to drive to a Best Buy that was so poorly planned that it is almost impossible to get to.  I wanted help over the phone.  I couldn’t get it because their phone lines were having problems and repeatedly dropped the call.  By the time I forced myself to the store I was fuming.  When I got to the desk I carefully put the Lappy on the counter and began to apologize for any rudeness that would come out of my mouth or body language.  The same week I had to do a similar thing at Wal-Mart in the TLE.  I almost had to do it again there tonight.  The difference being this time they would have deserved every rude remark I could come up with.  Today I babysat and the Squeeling Pig (again, this is the nickname his own parents game him, not me) would not stop crying.  At all.  In the entire 9 AM to 2:30 PM he was here.  He took two naps, one was an hour long, the other half an hour.  Those were the only times he was happy.  Oldest Daughter woke up grumpy.  She cried/whined nearly all day.  There was much DRAMA.  (That means nothing happened, yet the world still came crashing down in her eyes.)  Youngest Daughter was freaked out by the screeching of the Squeeling Pig and cried.  A lot.  My son was two years old.  That is typical, but combined with everything else. . .I lost my patience today.  I don’t know where it went.  It is possibly hiding somewhere, cowering under the couch or freezing out near the trash bins because I scared it.

Days like this I don’t feel very good about my mothering skills.  I eventually got Oldest Daughter to rest on the couch for about 45 minutes, which helped her be less whiny for the next 2 hours.  I wrapped the Squeeling Pig in a blanket, put him on a bean bag chair and moved him into the kitchen where he could look out the window and I couldn’t stuff his socks in his mouth.  I would have just put in my ear plugs (which I usually do with him) but I couldn’t find them.

Lately I have been trying to find a way to be a better parent, to be more patient.  I play with my kids, I read with them, I spend time with them.  But I’m really not very patient.  I expect a lot of them, more than I should, and when they don’t reach my expectations, I get upset.  It doesn’t help that they are like Super Geniuses.  We are very blessed to have children who are extremly intelligent, however, sometimes this leads me to think that they should remember EVERYTHING I tell them.

The last week or two I’ve been trying to remember to look to the Master Parent.  God.  He is our Father and raised us all as spirits before we came here to this life.  He knows every trick and lesson in the book.  When our parenting skills are lacking, our patience is waning, and our head is exploding, we need to remember that all we need to do is ask Him for parenting advice.  He’s better than any parenting magazine or “expert.”  He knows more tricks and truths than the What to Expect authors and His stuff works.

As I sit here, my little baby girl is asleep on my lap.  I look at her beautiful face, her lower lip being sucked on.  Then she smiles, and it makes me smile, too.  It’s been a hard day.  But this moments is making it a little better.  My older kids have been back-talking, disobedient little hooligans today.  They undressed themselves and got in the bathtub after I asked them to wait ten minutes for me.  They woke up their baby sister from a nice and much needed nap.  They have yelled at each other all day.  One of them broke one of my old tapes that I still listen to and then blamed their sibling.  Now they got themselves onto the computer (which my oldest knows she isn’t allowed to get onto herself, she has to ask first).  But here I sit.  Alone with my baby.

It is hard to pick battles and wars.  Where do we draw the line when our children are disobedient?  How do we know what stuff we can ignore and what stuff we can’t?  Obviously there are some things that are a big deal-violence for one I won’t allow at all.  Any hitting, kicking, pushing, or biting receives a quick punishment and lecture.   But what about other deeds, like whining, refusing to listen or obey seemingly simple requests?  Or forgetting to use inside voice?  Getting on the computer when repeatedly reminded to ask first?  Getting in the tub and turning on the water without parental permission or supervision?  This one wouldn’t be such a big deal if I could trust them to sit in the tub instead of stand in it–when I walked in they were both standing and our bathmat creates no friction at all, it’s terrible.  What about tantrums?

Discipline is my biggest weakness as a parent.  I simply don’t know what to do.  I’m tempted to call Super Nanny sometimes.  Really, I am.  I never know what is a big deal and what isn’t, because honestly, everything seems like a big deal to me.  I’m an uptight and anxious person and I have a problem letting some things go.  By the end of the day I’m ready to leave the apartment because I can’t stand being ignored by the kids anymore.  Yesterday I started ignoring them back.  I couldn’t take it anymore and decided to let them know how it feels to be ignored.  Jeremy asked me a question and I didn’t answer.  Jeremy was fine with this.  Megan was not.  She FREAKED OUT.  She proceeded to yell at the top of her lungs, crying and whining, for ten whole minutes.  Ten entire minutes went by before she lowered her voice and used the word please.  After she lowered her voice and said please I decided it was time to acknowledge her suffering and we discussed what happened and why.  I explained to her that I “feel bad inside” (her terminology, not mine) when they ignore my simple requests (such as sit in your seat so I can buckle you).  I asked her how she felt as I ignored them and she said she felt “bad inside,” too.  Hopefully all I’ll have to do now is ask if they want to be ignored and they’ll hop to it.

Was this course of action too much?  Was it mean of me?  Juvenile?  I’m not sure.  I knew that if I opened my mouth before I was ready something more juvenile would come pouring out.

I always compare myself to older mothers.  Those who are so old they have great grand kids or are dead.  Like Marjorie Hinckley .  I am forever comparing myself to this woman.  I know she probably never raised her voice once in her entire lifetime.  Unless it was to warn a child to get out of the street because an eighteen wheeler was charging through.  More than anything I want to be like her, but unfortunately I haven’t gotten anywhere near her goodness yet.  Usually after a day like today I hate myself.  I’ve screamed, yelled, and fought with the kids and even as I’m doing it I see how horrible and ugly it is, but I don’t stop myself.  Today I’m making a goal of making myself stop as soon as I realize what I’m doing.

We used to have a set of Family Rules posted on our front door before we moved across the country.  Maybe it’s time to make a new set.  The Family Rules really helped Megan remember to be obedient and I think Jeremy is old enough now to understand rules and consequences, too.  When we made the first list of Rules we let Megan help come up with the Rules and the Consequences.  And to note, the Consequences were not all negative.  Some were positive reward consequences for good behavior.  I think it’s time to break it out again. . . .  I’ll let you know how it goes.  Maybe it will help me separate the small things from the big things and I’ll more easily be able to let go of the small.

Take a moment to enjoy your family today.

Yesterday I was at Joann’s Craft Store and when it was time to leave my daughter (3) and my son (2) decided they were cranky.  I was trying to round them up and take my infant’s car seat off the cart at the same time another customer was walking over to put her cart away.  My daughter and son were turning circles, rotating directly in her path.  I calmly asked them to rotate my way so she could put her cart away, but they were slow to listen.  My baby’s car seat wasn’t coming off the cart easily and I was beginning to get frustrated.   The customer approached and asked my kids to move, which kind of freaked them out because all of a sudden there was this strange lady in front of them with a huge cart in their little faces.  They did finally move, but I could see in the woman’s face she was sizing me up as a mother.  She either thought, “Oh, that poor young mother doesn’t have a clue what she’s doing.  I can’t believe she has three.”  (Because apparently in this part of the country, having three kids means you’re something akin to a rabbit.)  Or she was thinking, “Ugh.  This stupid young mom that can’t control her own kids.  Now I have to step in and help her because there’s no way she’s going to make it to her car with a truckload of children.”

Either way, she felt compelled to walk me and the kids out, all the while looking disdainfully at me because my baby had no socks on her feet (she had a thick blanket and a heavy coat covering her though) and cautioning my children to look both ways before they stepped into the parking lot.  My children already know this.  I’ve trained them to be so fearful of cars that every time we go down to the underground parking for our building, our son peeks out the basement door, checks to see if it’s all clear, then runs to our car as fast as he can while crying out, “I’m scared of car!”  or “Don’t wanna be smashed!”  My children know to look both ways and just because they weren’t using their ears in the store because they were too busy spinning, doesn’t mean they needed a lecture from a complete stranger.

For a split second after this happened I felt like a bad mom.  My baby didn’t have socks on.  I needed to explain why she didn’t have socks on: we ran out of the apartment in a hurry.  Instead of having my kids hold on to the car seat or my shirt like I usually do, I had them hold hands with each other and hold my free hand (it was quite the spectacle, I’m sure).   The guilt didn’t last long, but the frustration and anger I felt for the woman who felt the need to judge me did.  And I guess I’m discovering as I write this, that some of the frustration and anger is still around.

But the point is, when we got home, and out of the car, and into the basement, the kids were smiling and twirling, and laughing and being their ultra silly selves.  They were happy.  I love it when they are happy together.  When they play together so well.  I’m a good mom.  My kids are happy kids who are learning and growing.  My kids are loving kids who care about other people and aren’t afraid to show concern when others are sad.  My kids love to laugh and I give them ample opportunities to do so.  I love my kids and I’m a good mom.

My husband is a terrific husband and father.  He plays with the kids every day.  He has special games he plays with them and special songs he sings to them.  Games and songs that mom either isn’t willing to play or songs mom can never remember the words to.  He has worked hard to provide for us, and continues to work hard as he is in dental school.  I love it when the kids do something cute or funny and we share a look.  A look that says, “we have the cutest, most smartest, most adorable kids ever.”

And it’s true.

I want to point out an important note before I begin today’s blog topic.  Mommy Esteem is all about knowing we have potential.  We will always have room for improvement. We may not be patient enough or giving enough.  We might not know how to take joy in playing with kid toys and games.   Mommy Esteem isn’t about thinking we are perfect and couldn’t possibly improve in any way.  But just because we aren’t perfect and don’t enjoy every game of Candy Land or every Disney video, doesn’t mean we aren’t already really great moms.  There is a balance that must be found between cutting yourself some slack, and being hard enough on yourself to invoke change in your own behaviors.

Gaining Mommy Esteem can be easier than keeping it.  Our Mommy Esteem takes hits every day.  Something as simple as not getting adequate sleep the night before is enough to dampen it, however slightly.  We’ve already discussed some of the things that damage our Esteem and ways to gain it.  So how do we keep ourselves feeling good about our abilities as a mother?

Tip #1—For starters, continue doing what we discussed in the last post by not comparing yourself to other moms.  When you catch yourself doing this, stop the negativism and think of things you do as a mom that you are proud of.  Stop drowning yourself by comparing yourself to other moms.

Tip #2—Share secrets.  Find other moms who have kids around the same age as yours.  Join a home pre-schooling group, the PTA, a church group, or a group of women at a neighborhood park.  Talk about what is frustrating and what brings you joy.  You’ll find new ways of doing things and sometimes a little change helps when things become too mundane.  Also, when we talk to each other the pedestals come down and the playing field becomes more level.

Tip #3—Keep mommyhood  in perspective.  Most moms feel unequal to the task of motherhood and housekeeping.  It’s a physically, mentally, and spiritually demanding, time consuming, patience-eating, and for the most part thankless job.  For SAHMs it is 24/7 with there being no lunch breaks or water cooler conversation (“Did you catch the episode of Sesame Street yesterday?”).  There aren’t even always potty breaks when you need them.  Did you know that some employers give their employees nap time?  It is supposed to increase productivity.  My kids stopped taking naps about a year ago and it was the saddest day in my mommyhood.    I guess my productivity suffers because I certainly don’t get a nap.  The last time I took one I woke to find my son covered in brown craft paint.  It just doesn’t happen anymore for fear of what I could wake up to next time.

Tip #4—Keep childhood in perspective.  Children are children.  They scream, they cry, they wet their beds.  They fight, they whine, they disobey.  Kids do all kinds of crazy stuff and only slowly do they learn to obey, play nicely, communicate without tears and whining, etc.  All too soon they will be grown and calling you on Mother’s Day to tell you how great you are.  Let them be kids and when they do something “childish” remember they are children.

Tip #5—Learn to let unimportant things slide.  Now of course it’s important to teach your children not to whine or disobey, but don’t obsess over it to the point that you never allow them to express their feelings and desires.  Also, if it’s between housework and playing, choose playing.  The housework will still look the same after an hour or so, but your kids may not.  Sometimes I’m surprised by how quickly mine grow and change.  So remember, even if you’re  thinking about duct taping your kids to the wall for an hour just so you can clean house and keep it mess-free long enough for you to take pictures so you can prove to your own mother and mother in-law that you are capable of cleaning, don’t do it!  Or at least, don’t include those walls in the pictures!*

*Please don’t actually duct tape your kids, I have to include the fact that I’m kidding so no one does that and then sues me.  Please don’t be stupid.  I can’t abide stupid people.

There seems to be endless ways to lose Mommy Esteem, but few ways to gain it.  However, it is the opposite which is true.  The ways we lose it are 1) Focusing on our weaknesses, and 2) Comparing ourselves to others.  In my last post I covered not comparing ourselves, remembering that our situations are unique, but our feelings, doubts, and insecurities are not.    I mentioned that we need to not be overly concerned with out failings, but instead focus on the fact that we are the best parent for our children because we love them and want what is best for them.    Today I want to discuss positive reinforcement and how we can use it to gain some of that important Mommy Esteem back.

I had a friend once who decided not to use foul language anymore.  It was a real struggle for her.  One day she put a rubber band on her wrist.  Every time she used an inappropriate word she snapped the rubber band.  The negative reinforcement worked—to a point.  She stopped swearing as long as she was wearing the rubber band, but if she forgot to wear it, there was no fear of consequence and she would relapse quickly into her old habit.  She eventually stopped wearing it and asked me to hit her every time she used such language.  After about a week of that she not only was still swearing, but was now mad at me.  Negative reinforcement rarely works to help us become better; its usual accomplishment is one of making us more frustrated or unhappy.

Negative reinforcement doesn’t usually produce lasting positive changes.  Instead of focusing on the negative and punishing yourself (i.e. moping, beating yourself up, crying, negative thoughts) think instead of the positive things you did and how those things made you and your family feel.

Don’t be afraid to ask your children what they like best about you.  Every time I ask my daughter what she likes best about me, she says she likes wrestling with me.  I don’t wrestle with her; I leave that to my husband.  I simply don’t have the energy for it.   But when she says wrestling, I make it a point to have a good tickle-fest with her, which is as close to wrestling as I get.  At the end of the day as I’m putting her to bed, if I ask her what she liked best about the day, she always mentions something we did together.  Let your kids help you find your real strengths and weaknesses and then while you work on those weaknesses, maximize your strengths, focus on those.  It is likely that if you think about the positive things you do, you will automatically do them more often, thereby increasing the positive reinforcement from your children, which in turn will make you think about your positive attributes again and increase your Mommy Esteem.  Ever hear of Pavlov and his dogs?

How many of you mothers out there think you are doing such a great job with your kids and managing your household that you never need any help, you never compare yourself to other moms you see—unless it’s to remind yourself how much better you are—and how many of you think the idea of hiring a babysitter is a joke because, really, who needs one?  [Crickets chirruping] 

Ok, who sometimes feels like every mom they see deserves a medal (except you, you burnt dinner last night)?  Who sometimes cries to their husband, mother, or a friend, confessing their parental insecurities and fears, their mistakes, small ones and seemingly huge ones?  Is there a woman you’ve placed on a pedestal?  Every time you enter her home it is immaculate, it smells of fragrant candles and homemade dinner instead of diapers and moldy cheese, her children aren’t just dressed, but dressed and hair done, including a cute homemade bow on the newborn baby’s head.  She is showered, dressed in cute, trendy clothes, hair and makeup done.  You look at yourself: you forgot to even put a brush to your head, relying on your fingers to do the job, your clothes have baby spit up and peanut butter stains, there was no time for makeup and you’re still in your glasses, being that you couldn’t even find your contact case because your two year old hid it again?

Every mother has felt this way.  Every mother experiences low Mommy Esteem, feeling like she just isn’t good enough.  There may be days where she feels like if one more thing goes wrong she’s going to have her own little temper tantrum, and maybe she does.  Every mother sees her imperfections as gaping holes in the ozone layer (everyone’s talking about them) instead of the small flaws they usually are (things no one notices, trust me).  When we compare ourselves to others our Mommy Esteem takes some pretty hard hits.  We know every deep secret and dark spot in ourselves, but in others, usually all we are able to see is their shining happy faces as we greet one another, their clean home (because all the crap is hidden in the hallway closet or master bedroom), and perfectly groomed children (the hamper was filled with dirty clothes ten minutes before you got there).  When we fail to realize that other mothers have difficulties and are human, we see our own frailties as monumental.   Just as there is nothing wrong with letting your infant wear a sleep and play outfit she’s already slept in all day and into the next night, there’s nothing wrong with making all your kids get into clean clothes just before company arrives.

Everyone’s situation is different.   Each of us has different strengths and weaknesses.  Some mothers feel completely frazzled if their home is out of order in any way.  Others are neat freaks and make time for cleaning, eliminating something else from the To Do list.  I have tried to designate one day a week as Cleaning Day and the rest of the time I just try to keep the dirty dishes in the dishwasher and not worry about picking up toys, clothes, or vacuuming.  Everything is a matter of balance.  Find the right balance for you.  This may take some experimenting and time, so be patient.

Everyone’s children are different; in fact each child in a family is different.  Don’t feel like a failure because your neighbor’s two year old is reading and your first grader is just learning.  Don’t blame your cooking skills if your toddler refuses to eat anything you make, but will most readily eat your best friend’s homemade lasagna.

There is no secret to how to be a perfect mother because there is no one definition of how to be one.  You are the perfect mother for your children because you love them and they love you.  You want what’s best for them and you’re doing what you can to make it happen.  While the our challenges, children, skills, and habits are different from each other, our feelings for our children, our hopes and dreams for our children, and our goals as mothers are all very similar.  We just take varying paths getting there because the terrain is different.

Today, work on not comparing yourself to other moms you see.  Work on not seeing your own imperfections as huge, life-altering mistakes.  Look for what you are doing right and ask your kids how they think you’re doing.  They’re honest and will tell you what their favorite thing is about being your child and what they think you should work on.

~I’ll be back on Monday with the second post in this three part blog on Mommy Esteem.  Usually I will be posting Monday-Friday, taking Saturday and Sunday off.  Again, let me know if there is a topic you would like covered.

Mere Motherhood

I am a typical mom.  I have three kids, two girls, 3 1/2 years old and 4 months, and a boy, 2 years old.  I stay home with them every day while their father attends dental school in a state far, far away from where we would like to call home.  I don’t get near enough sleep and don’t vacuum as much as my floors require.  Dinners are sometimes late and occasionally consist of peanut-butter and jelly sandwiches instead of meat and potatoes.

Like most mothers, I look around at other moms at the grocery store or mall and compare myself to them.  Who are these mystery women whose children are clean and hair styled with clothes straight from Gap Kids and The Children’s Place?   I would say that I compare myself to the moms at the park, but honestly, I don’t get there very often.  On Sundays I see all the families lined up on the pews.  The children are sitting quietly looking at books or primly devouring store brand Cheerios.  Then I look over at my kids who are desperately trying to escape the pew and run up to the pulpit or out the doors.

I occasionally doubt my abilities as a mother, but for the most part I know I’m doing fine.  Days are hectic.  Days are repetitive.  Days are never entirely fun.  But neither are they all stressed.   Days for me are a gumbo of sorts.  I don’t like rice, but without it, it just ain’t gumbo.  I love okra, and without that it just isn’t gumbo either.  Then there’s everything else that gets thrown in just for fun, laughs, and eye rolls.

Although what I said above is typical of most moms—not always near family, not enough time in the day to get chores done, too little sleep, put others on pedestals, and doubt abilities—that doesn’t mean it’s alright for our health, sanity, or self esteem.

My next three posts will cover what I call Mommy Esteem.   What it is, how we lose it, and how we gain it and keep it.  I welcome comments and questions as it will help me know what information you are wanting, what’s helpful, what’s not.

I give fair warning here in the beginning.  I am religious.  I mentioned my kids earlier, trying to run out of the chapel while everyone else’s kids are well-behaved angels, remember?   I will not shy away from God in my posts for fear that it could offend some.  My family is based on my belief in God and I cannot separate the two.  I do promise, however, that even if you don’t believe in God, the advice you find in this blog will be of help to you and your family.