thefamily

I figure I can write whatever I want without having to worry that someone will write a nasty comment about how terrible I am.  Good.  I need a safe venting place.

I hate Obama.  I hate him.  I never trusted him.  He said he’d help us with the national budget and what does he do?  Goes and lifts a ban that kept money in the U.S. and helped decrease the number of abortions.  I cannot believe he is allowing money to go to other countries to pay for abortions!!!!  How wrong is this on how many levels??  What a hypocritical idiot.

I know he’s pro-abortion, so that part wasn’t hypocritical, but giving money to other countries for it?  When we are in a huge mess ourselves with our economy, the national debt, and our own country’s morals failing. What is this supposed to do?  Oh, help other countries control their population.  Oh, because BIRTH CONTROL (as in CONTRACEPTIVES and ABSTINANCE for teenagers) isn’t an option?  Is it actually easier to provide them with money for abortions instead of condoms and pamphlets in their native tounge?  I’d be willing to go there as an ambassador (given a translator) and teach the people about how not to have babies if they don’t want to get pregnant.   Idiots.

And the thing that gets me even more is the stupid article I read about his doing this incredibly stupid thing used the phrase “family planning” at least a dozen times.  Excuse me, but an abortion isn’t family planning.  Abortions mean someone failed to plan.  Period.  Leaving morals out of it (if that’s even possible) a woman makes a choice to do something promiscuous that gets her pregnant.  Now, given that she isnt’a simpleton, she knows how sex works and how babies are made.  She knows babies are the large side effect of having sex.  Now, if the baby is not “wanted” and yet a baby is what is made then there are other options.  A woman shouldn’t be able to just kill the baby because she’s a selfish, lazy, inconsiderate slut.  Now, let’s say the woman is married and still doesn’t want the baby.  Then she’s a selfish, lazy, inconsiderate jerk.

And President Obama is too.

Family Planning should be parents planning how and when to have their family, how many children to have and when to have them.  How to get pregnant and how to make sure no children are conceived before the parents are ready for them.  Family Planning doesn’t mean how not to take responsibility for your actions and pretend every thing is okay.  That is called irresponsible and immoral.

I came across this blog months ago when someone else (I think maybe Navel Gazing?) put up a link to it on her blog. I asked for permission to post the whole thing on my blog, but was denied since her blog is copyrighted. I think this post is something that every mom who has ever felt frustrated with her children should read. And isn’t that all of us? We all have our moments of craziness whene we are rushed and frazzled and whene we feel like one more thing is going to just push us over the edge. Then we reach that one more thing and what do we do? Go read this and then come back. I’ll wait.

AntiqueMommy
click the link or copy paste this:
http://antiquemommy.com/2008/09/17/in-motherhood-forgiveness-trumps-failure/

Ok, now that you’ve read it and presumably gotten some toilet paper from the bathroom to blow your nose (I never have Kleenex, just good ol’ T.P.) we can go on.

I have thought about this story many times since I first read it a few months ago. While my kids have never said what her little boy stated so eloquently, I know when I get upset at my kids for whatever my personal “ball of tape” is, be it my crafts, sewing, books, fish food, toothpaste, or any of the 100 things I’ve repeatedly asked my kids to stay away from, or when I get mad at them for any other reason, I know that they are thinking and feeling the same way as this little boy.

My New Year’s Resolutions this year mostly involve improving my relationship with my children. I’ve promised myself to play more, be more gentle and understanding, less quick to upset or anger, and no more yelling unless someone is in danger. I haven’t done that great so far, but really, I’ve spent most of the New Year in a van or hotel room with them, unable to escape for even a few moments. Now that we are home and aren’t feeling like we’re duct taped to each other anymore it should be a little easier. I’ve also resolved to go to bed sooner (which I recently discovered means I need to look at a clock more often at night, otherwise it gets to be midnight and I think it’s still 10:30 PM), and write an hour a day (my blog doesn’t count). To help me with these goals I’ve enlisted my husband who, so far, seems happy to help.

I really don’t want to be the mom I am right now. I want to be a better mom. The best mom I can be. I want to have more patience; I want to have a better understanding of what is important and what isn’t; I want to let my kids know that I value them above my “tape.”

Is something I don’t have much of.  In high school I always thought I had some.  Even in college I thought I did.  And then something happened.  I had children.  And then something happened to make it worse.  A lovely woman named Elizabeth told me that I shouldn’t keep things bottled up inside.  From that moment I’ve been like a firecracker.  I guess I need to find a balance.

Some days are better than others.  Some days I am so good with my crazy kids and then at the end of the day I’m worn out and I feel like I just don’t have any self control left to keep my temper at bay.  Other days I have no patience right from the get go.  I used to think that I’d at least have patience with other people (because you know how we always put on a face for our friends and neighbors so they think everything is great, when really, our life is just as stressful as theirs?).  I try to warn people when I’m not feeling particularly patient.  Like when the ol’ Lappy was broken.  I spent HOURS on the phone trying to get help from the Geek Squad.  I did not want to get my three kids out of the apartment to drive to a Best Buy that was so poorly planned that it is almost impossible to get to.  I wanted help over the phone.  I couldn’t get it because their phone lines were having problems and repeatedly dropped the call.  By the time I forced myself to the store I was fuming.  When I got to the desk I carefully put the Lappy on the counter and began to apologize for any rudeness that would come out of my mouth or body language.  The same week I had to do a similar thing at Wal-Mart in the TLE.  I almost had to do it again there tonight.  The difference being this time they would have deserved every rude remark I could come up with.  Today I babysat and the Squeeling Pig (again, this is the nickname his own parents game him, not me) would not stop crying.  At all.  In the entire 9 AM to 2:30 PM he was here.  He took two naps, one was an hour long, the other half an hour.  Those were the only times he was happy.  Oldest Daughter woke up grumpy.  She cried/whined nearly all day.  There was much DRAMA.  (That means nothing happened, yet the world still came crashing down in her eyes.)  Youngest Daughter was freaked out by the screeching of the Squeeling Pig and cried.  A lot.  My son was two years old.  That is typical, but combined with everything else. . .I lost my patience today.  I don’t know where it went.  It is possibly hiding somewhere, cowering under the couch or freezing out near the trash bins because I scared it.

Days like this I don’t feel very good about my mothering skills.  I eventually got Oldest Daughter to rest on the couch for about 45 minutes, which helped her be less whiny for the next 2 hours.  I wrapped the Squeeling Pig in a blanket, put him on a bean bag chair and moved him into the kitchen where he could look out the window and I couldn’t stuff his socks in his mouth.  I would have just put in my ear plugs (which I usually do with him) but I couldn’t find them.

Lately I have been trying to find a way to be a better parent, to be more patient.  I play with my kids, I read with them, I spend time with them.  But I’m really not very patient.  I expect a lot of them, more than I should, and when they don’t reach my expectations, I get upset.  It doesn’t help that they are like Super Geniuses.  We are very blessed to have children who are extremly intelligent, however, sometimes this leads me to think that they should remember EVERYTHING I tell them.

The last week or two I’ve been trying to remember to look to the Master Parent.  God.  He is our Father and raised us all as spirits before we came here to this life.  He knows every trick and lesson in the book.  When our parenting skills are lacking, our patience is waning, and our head is exploding, we need to remember that all we need to do is ask Him for parenting advice.  He’s better than any parenting magazine or “expert.”  He knows more tricks and truths than the What to Expect authors and His stuff works.

There is so much to feel overwhelmed over.  Parenthood is probably one of the biggest.  I know that when I think about the awesome (as in really big, not really cool, although it is that, too) responsibility my husband and I have as a father and mother I sometimes get anxious.  Can we really raise all these kids and help them become better people than they would be without us?  Can we teach them everything they need to know to be good citizens?  How can we, people who seem to fail constantly, help them have a personal relationship with their Father in Heaven and their Savior?  Wouldn’t a mother who’s a mix of Mary Poppins and Mother Theresa and a father who’s a mix of Bill Cosby and Dick Van Dyke be better for such a task?

The answer is a resounding No.

Why?

My children need to see my failures and my husband’s failures just as much as they need to see our triumphs.  They need to see that we are people.  I want them to see us recognize each of our mistakes and each of our successes.  I want them to know that with each failure we are determined to work harder and that with each success we am grateful.

I am their mother and I love them.  My husband is their father and he loves them.  They need the motherly affection that only I can give them and they need the fatherly affection that only my husband, their father can give them.

I know we can do it, dispite any reservations we may feel about our abilities.  We love each other, we love our children, and we love God.  We trust in Him to help us and lead us.

As I sit here, my little baby girl is asleep on my lap.  I look at her beautiful face, her lower lip being sucked on.  Then she smiles, and it makes me smile, too.  It’s been a hard day.  But this moments is making it a little better.  My older kids have been back-talking, disobedient little hooligans today.  They undressed themselves and got in the bathtub after I asked them to wait ten minutes for me.  They woke up their baby sister from a nice and much needed nap.  They have yelled at each other all day.  One of them broke one of my old tapes that I still listen to and then blamed their sibling.  Now they got themselves onto the computer (which my oldest knows she isn’t allowed to get onto herself, she has to ask first).  But here I sit.  Alone with my baby.

It is hard to pick battles and wars.  Where do we draw the line when our children are disobedient?  How do we know what stuff we can ignore and what stuff we can’t?  Obviously there are some things that are a big deal-violence for one I won’t allow at all.  Any hitting, kicking, pushing, or biting receives a quick punishment and lecture.   But what about other deeds, like whining, refusing to listen or obey seemingly simple requests?  Or forgetting to use inside voice?  Getting on the computer when repeatedly reminded to ask first?  Getting in the tub and turning on the water without parental permission or supervision?  This one wouldn’t be such a big deal if I could trust them to sit in the tub instead of stand in it–when I walked in they were both standing and our bathmat creates no friction at all, it’s terrible.  What about tantrums?

Discipline is my biggest weakness as a parent.  I simply don’t know what to do.  I’m tempted to call Super Nanny sometimes.  Really, I am.  I never know what is a big deal and what isn’t, because honestly, everything seems like a big deal to me.  I’m an uptight and anxious person and I have a problem letting some things go.  By the end of the day I’m ready to leave the apartment because I can’t stand being ignored by the kids anymore.  Yesterday I started ignoring them back.  I couldn’t take it anymore and decided to let them know how it feels to be ignored.  Jeremy asked me a question and I didn’t answer.  Jeremy was fine with this.  Megan was not.  She FREAKED OUT.  She proceeded to yell at the top of her lungs, crying and whining, for ten whole minutes.  Ten entire minutes went by before she lowered her voice and used the word please.  After she lowered her voice and said please I decided it was time to acknowledge her suffering and we discussed what happened and why.  I explained to her that I “feel bad inside” (her terminology, not mine) when they ignore my simple requests (such as sit in your seat so I can buckle you).  I asked her how she felt as I ignored them and she said she felt “bad inside,” too.  Hopefully all I’ll have to do now is ask if they want to be ignored and they’ll hop to it.

Was this course of action too much?  Was it mean of me?  Juvenile?  I’m not sure.  I knew that if I opened my mouth before I was ready something more juvenile would come pouring out.

I always compare myself to older mothers.  Those who are so old they have great grand kids or are dead.  Like Marjorie Hinckley .  I am forever comparing myself to this woman.  I know she probably never raised her voice once in her entire lifetime.  Unless it was to warn a child to get out of the street because an eighteen wheeler was charging through.  More than anything I want to be like her, but unfortunately I haven’t gotten anywhere near her goodness yet.  Usually after a day like today I hate myself.  I’ve screamed, yelled, and fought with the kids and even as I’m doing it I see how horrible and ugly it is, but I don’t stop myself.  Today I’m making a goal of making myself stop as soon as I realize what I’m doing.

We used to have a set of Family Rules posted on our front door before we moved across the country.  Maybe it’s time to make a new set.  The Family Rules really helped Megan remember to be obedient and I think Jeremy is old enough now to understand rules and consequences, too.  When we made the first list of Rules we let Megan help come up with the Rules and the Consequences.  And to note, the Consequences were not all negative.  Some were positive reward consequences for good behavior.  I think it’s time to break it out again. . . .  I’ll let you know how it goes.  Maybe it will help me separate the small things from the big things and I’ll more easily be able to let go of the small.

As you can imagine, I am extremely relieved that Prop 8 passed in California.  However, with this small success for the protection of the family unit comes great sorrow as well.  I’ve never seen such outright hatred and intolerance displayed in the United States before.  I’m not referring to those who voted for Prop 8 as some might assume.  Yes, I’m sure there are some who voted for it who are intolerant of those of the alternate lifestyle persuasion, but I am referring to those who were against Prop 8.  Wasn’t part of their argument that we should be understanding and tolerant of all people?  Or are they using a different dictionary from me?  One that states that tolerance means you are only expected to be tolerant of people with the same view point as yourself?  Wow, does my local Borders or Barnes and Noble have that dictionary?

Yes, they have their freedom of speech.  Yes, they have every right to make signs, create petitions, go door to door, and stand around on government grounds trying to be heard.  I suppose they even have the right to make commercials consisting of disgusting lies in order to sway people from voting for Prop 8.  They can come up with all kinds of downright lies and present them as facts, they can take information and skew it before presenting it to the public and think nothing of it because they hope it will further their case.  But when those who disagree with them use faith and religious conviction to further the the passing of Prop 8, suddenly there is a problem.  Those who agree with Prop 8 are suddenly bigots and intolerant.  Why?  Why is it that those who believe God intended one man and one woman to be together in marriage are suddenly being spotlighted as terrible people?  Maybe I don’t understand the definition of intolerance.  I really should get to the bookstore and see if I can find that new liberal dictionary.

This subject is very personal to me as I’ve recently been ridiculed for my support of Prop 8 and as I’ve recently read reports on what those against Prop 8 have been doing to undermine those who support it, and specifically, The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints.   It saddens me that a huge group of people would congregate outside of an LDS temple and verbally attack temple patrons.  That they would picket a temple of God because those going inside might not believe same sex marriage should be legalized is something akin to a child’s temper tantrum. Instead of taking the time to think about what they are doing, they just do.  Instead of taking time to look in the mirror and see the intolerance and hatred in their own faces, they assume that is what drives everyone of the opposite view point.

Now, something I find incredibly sad.  Those of you who read this blog who are not familiar with The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints, may not be aware of this next bit of information.  Members of the LDS Church  who desire to enter the temple must first receive a recommend from their Church leaders.  In order to receive this recommend they must be interviewed and show that they are living worthily to enter the House of the Lord.  There is a series of questions put to them, one of which asks if they align themselves with any group or organization which works toward something contrary to the teachings of the Gospel and the leaders of the Church.  I know that there are members of the Church who are sympathetic to the anti-Prop 8 cause and have gone so far as to protest it, putting signs in their yards, joining in the picket lines and groups of people calling for what they refer to as “tolerance” but in reality isn’t.  These members of the Church will not be able to honestly answer this particular question from their Church leaders in a way that will allow them to proceed into the temple.

There are many who don’t believe that religion should play any part in the decision of legalizing (or not) same sex marriage.   But then there comes the issue of the Bible.  It is plainly described as something vile and sinful.  Those who are faithful Christians should not be asked, or expected, to separate religion from such a decision.   However, if there are those who insist on us coming up with other reasons for disagreeing with legalizing same sex marriage, I will be happy to present some very good reasons in my next post.  Right now, I’m going to go play with my kids.

Ok.  I will need some help with this one.  Girls, ladies, women-why is it that we expect others (especially boys, guys, men) to just instinctively know what we want, think, feel?  We know they aren’t going to get it, so why do we not spell it out for them (in the nicest way possible, of course)?

Guys.  Are you trying?  Or do you just figure you’re never going to understand without us telling you exactly what we think and so why bother?  Help me out here.

Women work hard.  And nothing against working moms, because I know y’all bust your butts, too, but dang us SAHMs are tired at the end of the day!  At least y’all working moms get to talk to other adults and have conversations that don’t center around peanutbutter or Dora the Explorer.  Now don’t get me wrong.  I love being a SAHM and I wouldn’t trade it, but sometimes I dream of what I could possibly get accomplished if I could pawn my kids off for a few days.  Since that isn’t an option, I have to rely on my husband.  (I love you!)  My problem is, I don’t always tell him what I need.  Like a full and complete day off.  This isn’t likely to happen since Emma is still nursing, but it would be nice.  Hey wonderful spouse, since you’re reading this, now you know!  I need a full and complete day off!  Do you think you could take the kids tomorrow?  I don’t know where you’ll take them, but you could take them somewhere and I’ll get all my projects worked on!  Yay!  What do you say!?

See ladies!  See how easy that is?  All you have to do is start a blog, know that your husband reads it and then post what it is that you need!

Ok, for reals now.  Not that that wasn’t real, because it totally was.  But posting a blog entry won’t always be convenient for all of us.  As women we need to change the way we think of ourselves.  We need to be more open and acknowledge what we need or would like and we need to do it, get this–vocally.  Like actually saying it out loud where the man in our lives can hear it.  I’m not saying I’m great at this, he knows I’m not and would never profess to be, but I am working on it.

Now, I want comments!  Why is it so hard to speak up?  Why do we just expect mind reading?  And what can we do to encourage ourselves to speak out loud?

There are many activities that can help you come closer to your spouse.  Many of these activities are simple and some may require more effort that others.  Some of these activities and ideas to improve marriage are:

• Continue to go on dates.  The dating shouldn’t end at the alter.
• Flirt with each other.
• Make time for talking and listening.
• Take part in each others hobbies.
• Be silly together.
• Go on vacation together/with children.
• Attend Church together.
• Pray together.
• Send each other love notes.
• Read a book together.
• Raise your children with the same ideals, goals, and morals.
• Tell each other you love one another.
• Surprise each other with small, unasked for acts of service and displays of love

Showing love is vital for all husband/wife relationships.  Respect for each others opinions and feelings as well as respect for each others decisions should always be evident.  Show love for each other and talk kindly of each other in front of friends, family, and strangers. In today’s society many people think it is funny for a woman to talk about how her husband is clueless about how to run a household, or for a husband to mention to his friends how his wife doesn’t know how to keep her credit card in her wallet.  We see it all the time of television, family situational comedies such as Everybody Love Raymond,  or  Seinfeld with his parents and George’s parents.  Whether or not those things, or statements like them, are true, they should remain unsaid.  Comments like these, even when said in jest, can lead to problems within the home, hurt feelings, arguments, and lower self-esteem.

Be kind to your spouse today.  Let them know how much they are appreciated and loved.  Do something special for them or with them that will allow yourselves to grow closer.

I believe “marriage between a man and a woman is ordained of God . . .”  God intends us to work together as husband and wife to raise His children in righteousness.

There are many outside forces in the world today that would pick at, unravel, invade, and destroy our happy marriages.  Pornography, lust, seemingly harmless flirting, worldly “needs” which create financial burdens, selfishness . . . the list could go on and on.  In today’s world, Satan is feverishly trying to dissuade us from understanding how important our family relationships, specifically our marital relationships, are.  Kindergartners are learning about accepting “diversity” (gay marriage) without parental consent or even their knowledge in some cases;  we are told by the world that if we disagree with gay marriage, gay rights, and pornography (we are told it is art instead of smut)then we are close-minded.  We are told to “find ourselves” and to do so without thought for anyone else.

Satan knows if he can destroy a husband and wife, then he can destroy their family.

What can we do to make our marriage, and there by our entire family, stronger and happier?  How can we make them Satan-proof?

Acknowledge that we aren’t perfect and that our spouses aren’t perfect.  Arguments will come, but the key is how you resolve them and the lesson you learn from them.  Each time we should learn to control ourselves a little bit better.  Learn to listen a little more.  Learn to understand and see from their perspectives.  Learn to be quiet.  Learn how to speak with a soft voice with gentle, instead of harsh and accusing, tones.

I’ve heard of a hundred different experiences where the husband and wife had a disagreement, big or little, major or minor.  Most of these experiences where the couple make up the quickest and where they harbor no hard feelings are ones where they serve each other.  When you are angry or frustrated with your spouse, the best action you can take is to engage yourself in service for your spouse.  When we serve we show our love for that person and remember that love.  Our hearts soften, our minds ease, and we are able to speak with soft voices and listen again.

Work together.  Couples who have common goals and interests find great enjoyment in engaging in those activities together.  If one spouse enjoys a particular hobby and the other doesn’t, maybe try a switch.  Spend time together with each others’ hobbies and learn to appreciate the passion and talent the other has.  Find a cause or goal you’re both passionate about (now is the perfect time for some causes as we are in the political circus) and start working on it.  Write letters to your congressman together, start a movement!  Make people aware!

What are some things you do to improve your marriage?

Ever find yourself upset with your spouse?  When any two people live in the same house, disagreements are going to happen.  Many times these disagreements or misunderstandings can simply be discussed and a solution or reconciliation reached.  Sometimes those disagreements turn into larger problems.  Usually occurs when we are unwilling to see our spouse’s point of view, refuse to accept that we may be wrong, or when we feel we have been wronged and are too stubborn to forgive right away.  This week my topic is going to be creating a more loving home.

I would like to include in my blog this week your personal ideas.  What do you do when there’s a serious disagreement in your home?  How do you bring peace back into your home?  Or, what do you do which you know you shouldn’t and creates further problems?

Tomorrow I will be back with your comments and with ideas on what we can do to help our families and homes be filled with a more positive and loving atmosphere.