thefamily

Have you ever been on the Yahoo! Answers site?  People write in their questions and other people write in responses.  It’s a site I have frequented in recent months and I’ve found it very interesting.  My favorite section to visit is the Family & Relationships section.  There always seems to be some poor heartbroken teenager wondering what to do about their boyfriend/girlfriend, or the classmate they’ve had a crush on for years, or the classmate that won’t leave them alone.   I usually throw my two cents into the pot of other answers and usually my answer is voted as the best by the person that asked the question.  I don’t say this to brag (although every time I get the email telling me I got another Best Answer I have to admit that I feel pretty dang cool) but to let you know that these kids appreciate guidance when it comes to something like dating.  They might say stuff like, “Mom and dad, it’s my life!  Leave me alone!”  But then they’ll turn right around and ask for help from the great big world of the internet.  They want the help, they just don’t know how to go about asking for it from their parents sometimes.

If you ask most teens what the point of dating is, you’re likely to get a different response than if you ask a young adult or adult.  To teens, dating is something to do to have fun.  They get those fluttery feelings in their stomach and think someone is “cute.”  Young adults and adults might feel this way about dating, however, they know that dating also has a purpose: to find a mate.  Eventually dating should lead to courtship which should lead to marriage which should lead to children.

Unfortunately, in today’s world, dating among pre-teens and teens has lead to a rise in children having children.

There are lots of avenues I could cover with a topic like teen (and unfortunately pre-teen dating) but today I decided to focus on one.

The Turndown.

Yes, the dreaded turndown.   I know back in the day it wasn’t considered good manners for a girl to turn down a boy’s offer for a date.  I’ve seen movies and T.V. shows where a mother chides her daughter, pointing out how nervous the boy must have been and how it was insensitive of her to say no.  How prideful the girl must have been to not even give the boy a chance.

Wow!  Let’s just tell all young women everywhere to put out as well.  If the guy digs up the courage to ask then the girl has to say yes, right?  I mean, he put his pride on the line, brought her flowers, and paid for dinner.  Doesn’t she owe him?  HECK NO!

Today many young women are still being told my their parents that if a guy asks them out, they need to say yes.  This is the wrong idea.  While dating in high school (dating should start in high school at age 16, and then only as group dates, more on this later if you’re interested) dating should be mostly for fun.  Teens should take the opportunity to learn the social rules of dating and learn what kind of qualities are important to them in a boy/girlfriend.  A girl might think she wants to date a jock.  When the opportunity arises, she may find that there are more important qualities than being good at sports.  A boy may want to date the class president (tried to stay away from the cheerleader stereotype), but could find that she’s arrogant.

High school is not a time for serious dating.  It is a time to date many people and to do it in the safety of groups.  Group datesrelieve much of the pressure of single dating.  There is much less danger of teen pregnancy as relationships are less likely to become intimate with three or four friends along.  If teens take the opportunity to date around they will be blessed with not only a better understanding of the qualities they now know are important in a boy/girlfriend (and later spouse) but they will also be blessed with a better understanding of who they are as well.  None of the I need to find out who I am stuff that has become a popular excuse for ending relationships.

Now, I agree that if a girl is completely turning all guys down then there might be a problem that needs to be addressed.  However, no girl should be compelled to say yes to any or every date offered to her.  First off, no parent has a better understanding of the guys in a girl’s school than the girl herself.  If a girl already knows that the guy isn’t someone she would want to go out with or spend time alone with, then her parents should not encourage her to do so.

Here’s an example.  I have a dear friend who was asked out to an event by a young man who was quite insistent.  When she turned him down he informed her that she would be going to this event with him anyway and that he was off to buy the tickets.  Slightly shocked she told her parents and myself about this young man and, what I view as, his incredible rudness.  Her mother and father were surprised to learn that their daughter wouldn’t want to go.  Afterall, the young man knew it was an even she wanted to attend, he invited her to it, and bought the tickets.  Why would she not want to go?   Because she wasn’t interested in HIM.  She knew the young man and knew she didn’t want to spend more of her time with him.  She knew it was a relationship that would not grow and didn’t want to waste time trying.

My response was, “Don’t go.”  Wait for the guy to come pick you up, be in your grubby clothes and inform him that you won’t be going with him.  Better yet, call him now and tell him to invite someone else if he already has the tickets.

Unfortunately she listened to her parents (this is probably the only time you’ll hear me lamenting someone listening to their parents) and went on the date.  The guy showed up dispite her refusal of the date and she was ready when he arrived.

Now, if the parents of this friend read this and are upset over my views of the situation, please forgive me, but I have too much personal experience in this area to have any other opinion in the matter.  This story being on the web shouldn’t matter as it is an anonymous blog.

I mentioned my personal experience.  My parents never forced me to go out with anyone.  That was hardly an option since I was rarely asked out, however, as I got into college and eventually was asked out I realized I didn’t know how to say no to a guy asking me out.  As a result, I went on lots of dates with quite a few guys that were all wastes of my time.  Many I knew after the first date (or even before) that the guy was someone I wasn’t interested in dating, but not knowing how to turn him down was a stumbling block for me.  Many of these turned out to be real weirdos that I really wish I hadn’t wasted time on.  I could have been at home with my roommates having fun, instead of feeling uncomfortable at a campfire, movie, or dinner. I remember how after repeatedly speaking with a particular young man I breathed a sigh of relief at how wonderfully normal he was.  I later married him.

I could give detailed examples of the weirdos, but I won’t.  The fact of the matter is, girls should not be encouraged to accept dates simply because they are offered.  Dating has a purpose and that purpose is not simply a free dinner or movie.  Dating is a time of growth and learning and should be treated as such.  Teens should look at dating as a time to learn about what is important to them and what about themselves needs improving.

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