thefamily

I’ve never been very good at asking for help.  I’ve always thought I should be able to do everything on my own.  Besides, I don’t want to bother anyone and I have a terrible fear of the telephone.  I can’t stand using it.

Recently I’ve had to let my husband help me.  Our son suddenly got sick on Sunday and had to go to the E.R.  He was checked into the hospital and has slept there since Monday.  My husband has had to be the primary caregiver for our son since I can’t take care of our son and our baby at the hospital.  Our daughter is only 6 months and still nurses, so I can’t just up and leave her at home, nor can I bring her with me for extended stays at the hospital.

It’s been difficult for me to leave my little boy there.  I want so badly to stay with him.  I am so grateful for a loving husband who is also a loving father.  He has taken such wonderful care of our little boy, staying by his side constantly, advocating for him with the doctors and nurses.

Although the timing of this stinks, being that it’s the holidays and my parents flew in to see everyone (and they’ve only seen my husband and son a few times at the hospital), it is really a blessing.  My husband is out of school, so he is able to be there in the hospital constantly and I have my parents with me to keep me calm and help with the other two kids.

Friends have called, emailed, or left well-wishes and offers of help on my other blog, which are all appreciated.  Thank you for your prayers (and pumpkin pie!).  I’ll start posting more often once my boy is home and the holidays are over.

Is something I don’t have much of.  In high school I always thought I had some.  Even in college I thought I did.  And then something happened.  I had children.  And then something happened to make it worse.  A lovely woman named Elizabeth told me that I shouldn’t keep things bottled up inside.  From that moment I’ve been like a firecracker.  I guess I need to find a balance.

Some days are better than others.  Some days I am so good with my crazy kids and then at the end of the day I’m worn out and I feel like I just don’t have any self control left to keep my temper at bay.  Other days I have no patience right from the get go.  I used to think that I’d at least have patience with other people (because you know how we always put on a face for our friends and neighbors so they think everything is great, when really, our life is just as stressful as theirs?).  I try to warn people when I’m not feeling particularly patient.  Like when the ol’ Lappy was broken.  I spent HOURS on the phone trying to get help from the Geek Squad.  I did not want to get my three kids out of the apartment to drive to a Best Buy that was so poorly planned that it is almost impossible to get to.  I wanted help over the phone.  I couldn’t get it because their phone lines were having problems and repeatedly dropped the call.  By the time I forced myself to the store I was fuming.  When I got to the desk I carefully put the Lappy on the counter and began to apologize for any rudeness that would come out of my mouth or body language.  The same week I had to do a similar thing at Wal-Mart in the TLE.  I almost had to do it again there tonight.  The difference being this time they would have deserved every rude remark I could come up with.  Today I babysat and the Squeeling Pig (again, this is the nickname his own parents game him, not me) would not stop crying.  At all.  In the entire 9 AM to 2:30 PM he was here.  He took two naps, one was an hour long, the other half an hour.  Those were the only times he was happy.  Oldest Daughter woke up grumpy.  She cried/whined nearly all day.  There was much DRAMA.  (That means nothing happened, yet the world still came crashing down in her eyes.)  Youngest Daughter was freaked out by the screeching of the Squeeling Pig and cried.  A lot.  My son was two years old.  That is typical, but combined with everything else. . .I lost my patience today.  I don’t know where it went.  It is possibly hiding somewhere, cowering under the couch or freezing out near the trash bins because I scared it.

Days like this I don’t feel very good about my mothering skills.  I eventually got Oldest Daughter to rest on the couch for about 45 minutes, which helped her be less whiny for the next 2 hours.  I wrapped the Squeeling Pig in a blanket, put him on a bean bag chair and moved him into the kitchen where he could look out the window and I couldn’t stuff his socks in his mouth.  I would have just put in my ear plugs (which I usually do with him) but I couldn’t find them.

Lately I have been trying to find a way to be a better parent, to be more patient.  I play with my kids, I read with them, I spend time with them.  But I’m really not very patient.  I expect a lot of them, more than I should, and when they don’t reach my expectations, I get upset.  It doesn’t help that they are like Super Geniuses.  We are very blessed to have children who are extremly intelligent, however, sometimes this leads me to think that they should remember EVERYTHING I tell them.

The last week or two I’ve been trying to remember to look to the Master Parent.  God.  He is our Father and raised us all as spirits before we came here to this life.  He knows every trick and lesson in the book.  When our parenting skills are lacking, our patience is waning, and our head is exploding, we need to remember that all we need to do is ask Him for parenting advice.  He’s better than any parenting magazine or “expert.”  He knows more tricks and truths than the What to Expect authors and His stuff works.

There is so much to feel overwhelmed over.  Parenthood is probably one of the biggest.  I know that when I think about the awesome (as in really big, not really cool, although it is that, too) responsibility my husband and I have as a father and mother I sometimes get anxious.  Can we really raise all these kids and help them become better people than they would be without us?  Can we teach them everything they need to know to be good citizens?  How can we, people who seem to fail constantly, help them have a personal relationship with their Father in Heaven and their Savior?  Wouldn’t a mother who’s a mix of Mary Poppins and Mother Theresa and a father who’s a mix of Bill Cosby and Dick Van Dyke be better for such a task?

The answer is a resounding No.

Why?

My children need to see my failures and my husband’s failures just as much as they need to see our triumphs.  They need to see that we are people.  I want them to see us recognize each of our mistakes and each of our successes.  I want them to know that with each failure we are determined to work harder and that with each success we am grateful.

I am their mother and I love them.  My husband is their father and he loves them.  They need the motherly affection that only I can give them and they need the fatherly affection that only my husband, their father can give them.

I know we can do it, dispite any reservations we may feel about our abilities.  We love each other, we love our children, and we love God.  We trust in Him to help us and lead us.

As I sit here, my little baby girl is asleep on my lap.  I look at her beautiful face, her lower lip being sucked on.  Then she smiles, and it makes me smile, too.  It’s been a hard day.  But this moments is making it a little better.  My older kids have been back-talking, disobedient little hooligans today.  They undressed themselves and got in the bathtub after I asked them to wait ten minutes for me.  They woke up their baby sister from a nice and much needed nap.  They have yelled at each other all day.  One of them broke one of my old tapes that I still listen to and then blamed their sibling.  Now they got themselves onto the computer (which my oldest knows she isn’t allowed to get onto herself, she has to ask first).  But here I sit.  Alone with my baby.

It is hard to pick battles and wars.  Where do we draw the line when our children are disobedient?  How do we know what stuff we can ignore and what stuff we can’t?  Obviously there are some things that are a big deal-violence for one I won’t allow at all.  Any hitting, kicking, pushing, or biting receives a quick punishment and lecture.   But what about other deeds, like whining, refusing to listen or obey seemingly simple requests?  Or forgetting to use inside voice?  Getting on the computer when repeatedly reminded to ask first?  Getting in the tub and turning on the water without parental permission or supervision?  This one wouldn’t be such a big deal if I could trust them to sit in the tub instead of stand in it–when I walked in they were both standing and our bathmat creates no friction at all, it’s terrible.  What about tantrums?

Discipline is my biggest weakness as a parent.  I simply don’t know what to do.  I’m tempted to call Super Nanny sometimes.  Really, I am.  I never know what is a big deal and what isn’t, because honestly, everything seems like a big deal to me.  I’m an uptight and anxious person and I have a problem letting some things go.  By the end of the day I’m ready to leave the apartment because I can’t stand being ignored by the kids anymore.  Yesterday I started ignoring them back.  I couldn’t take it anymore and decided to let them know how it feels to be ignored.  Jeremy asked me a question and I didn’t answer.  Jeremy was fine with this.  Megan was not.  She FREAKED OUT.  She proceeded to yell at the top of her lungs, crying and whining, for ten whole minutes.  Ten entire minutes went by before she lowered her voice and used the word please.  After she lowered her voice and said please I decided it was time to acknowledge her suffering and we discussed what happened and why.  I explained to her that I “feel bad inside” (her terminology, not mine) when they ignore my simple requests (such as sit in your seat so I can buckle you).  I asked her how she felt as I ignored them and she said she felt “bad inside,” too.  Hopefully all I’ll have to do now is ask if they want to be ignored and they’ll hop to it.

Was this course of action too much?  Was it mean of me?  Juvenile?  I’m not sure.  I knew that if I opened my mouth before I was ready something more juvenile would come pouring out.

I always compare myself to older mothers.  Those who are so old they have great grand kids or are dead.  Like Marjorie Hinckley .  I am forever comparing myself to this woman.  I know she probably never raised her voice once in her entire lifetime.  Unless it was to warn a child to get out of the street because an eighteen wheeler was charging through.  More than anything I want to be like her, but unfortunately I haven’t gotten anywhere near her goodness yet.  Usually after a day like today I hate myself.  I’ve screamed, yelled, and fought with the kids and even as I’m doing it I see how horrible and ugly it is, but I don’t stop myself.  Today I’m making a goal of making myself stop as soon as I realize what I’m doing.

We used to have a set of Family Rules posted on our front door before we moved across the country.  Maybe it’s time to make a new set.  The Family Rules really helped Megan remember to be obedient and I think Jeremy is old enough now to understand rules and consequences, too.  When we made the first list of Rules we let Megan help come up with the Rules and the Consequences.  And to note, the Consequences were not all negative.  Some were positive reward consequences for good behavior.  I think it’s time to break it out again. . . .  I’ll let you know how it goes.  Maybe it will help me separate the small things from the big things and I’ll more easily be able to let go of the small.

Yesterday I stated that I would post reasons other than religious or moral ones for not advocating same sex marriage.  I found a link from Orson Scott Card’s website The Ornery American to an article on The Family Research Council.   My post is a mostly intact version of what is on their site, so I hope I’m not breaking any copyright laws here.  I give full credit to The Family Research Council and the link to the full article is above.

The following are ten science-based arguments against same-sex “marriage”:

1. Children hunger for their biological parents.

Homosexual couples using in vitro fertilization (IVF) or surrogate mothers deliberately create a class of children who will live apart from their mother or father. Yale Child Study Center psychiatrist Kyle Pruett reports that children of IVF often ask their single or lesbian mothers about their fathers, asking their mothers questions like the following:”Mommy, what did you do with my daddy?” “Can I write him a letter?” “Has he ever seen me?” “Didn’t you like him? Didn’t he like me?”

Kyle Pruett, Fatherneed (Broadway Books, 2001) 204.

Elizabeth Marquardt, The Moral and Spiritual Lives of Children of Divorce. Forthcoming.

2. Children need fathers.

If same-sex civil marriage becomes common, most same-sex couples with children would be lesbian couples. This would mean that we would have yet more children being raised apart from fathers. Among other things, we know that fathers excel in reducing antisocial behavior and delinquency in boys and sexual activity in girls.

What is fascinating is that fathers exercise a unique social and biological influence on their children. For instance, a recent study of father absence on girls found that girls who grew up apart from their biological father were much more likely to experience early puberty and a teen pregnancy than girls who spent their entire childhood in an intact family. This study, along with David Popenoe’s work, suggests that a father’s pheromones influence the biological development of his daughter, that a strong marriage provides a model for girls of what to look for in a man, and gives them the confidence to resist the sexual entreaties of their boyfriends.

* Ellis, Bruce J., et al., “Does Father Absence Place Daughters at Special Risk for Early Sexual Activity and Teenage Pregnancy?” Child Development, 74:801-821.

* David Popenoe, Life Without Father (Boston: Harvard University Press, 1999).

3. Children need mothers.

Although homosexual men are less likely to have children than lesbians, homosexual men are and will be raising children. There will be even more if homosexual civil marriage is legalized. These households deny children a mother. Among other things, mothers excel in providing children with emotional security and in reading the physical and emotional cues of infants. Obviously, they also give their daughters unique counsel as they confront the physical, emotional, and social challenges associated with puberty and adolescence. Stanford psychologist Eleanor MacCoby summarizes much of this literature in her book, The Two Sexes. See also Steven Rhoads’ book, Taking Sex Differences Seriously.

Eleanor MacCoby, The Two Sexes: Growing Up Apart, Coming Together (Boston: Harvard, 1998).

Steven Rhoads, Taking Sex Differences Seriously (Encounter Books, 2004).

4. Evidence on parenting by same-sex couples is inadequate.

A number of leading professional associations have asserted that there are “no differences” between children raised by homosexuals and those raised by heterosexuals. But the research in this area is quite preliminary; most of the studies are done by advocates and most suffer from serious methodological problems. Sociologist Steven Nock of the University of Virginia, who is agnostic on the issue of same-sex civil marriage, offered this review of the literature on gay parenting as an expert witness for a Canadian court considering legalization of same-sex civil marriage:

Through this analysis I draw my conclusions that 1) all of the articles I reviewed contained at least one fatal flaw of design or execution; and 2) not a single one of those studies was conducted according to general accepted standards of scientific research.

This is not exactly the kind of social scientific evidence you would want to launch a major family experiment.

Steven Nock, affidavit to the Ontario Superior Court of Justice regarding Hedy Halpern et al. University of Virginia Sociology Department (2001).

5. Evidence suggests children raised by homosexuals are more likely to experience gender and sexual disorders.

Although the evidence on child outcomes is sketchy, it does suggest that children raised by lesbians or homosexual men are more likely to experience gender and sexual disorders. Judith Stacey– a sociologist and an advocate for same-sex civil marriage–reviewed the literature on child outcomes and found the following: “lesbian parenting may free daughters and sons from a broad but uneven range of traditional gender prescriptions.” Her conclusion here is based on studies that show that sons of lesbians are less masculine and that daughters of lesbians are more masculine.

She also found that a “significantly greater proportion of young adult children raised by lesbian mothers than those raised by heterosexual mothers … reported having a homoerotic relationship.” Stacey also observes that children of lesbians are more likely to report homoerotic attractions.

Her review must be viewed judiciously, given the methodological flaws detailed by Professor Nock in the literature as a whole. Nevertheless, theses studies give some credence to conservative concerns about the effects of homosexual parenting.

Judith Stacey and Timothy Biblarz, “(How) Does the Sexual Orientation of Parents Matter?” American Sociological Review 66: 159-183. See especially 168-171.

6. Same-sex “marriage” would undercut the norm of sexual fidelity within marriage.

One of the biggest threats that same-sex “marriage” poses to marriage is that it would probably undercut the norm of sexual fidelity in marriage. In the first edition of his book in defense of same-sex marriage, Virtually Normal, homosexual commentator Andrew Sullivan wrote: “There is more likely to be greater understanding of the need for extramarital outlets between two men than between a man and a woman.” Of course, this line of thinking–were it incorporated into marriage and telegraphed to the public in sitcoms, magazines, and other mass media–would do enormous harm to the norm of sexual fidelity in marriage.

One recent study of civil unions and marriages in Vermont suggests this is a very real concern. More than 79 percent of heterosexual married men and women, along with lesbians in civil unions, reported that they strongly valued sexual fidelity. Only about 50 percent of gay men in civil unions valued sexual fidelity.

Esther Rothblum and Sondra Solomon, Civil Unions in the State of Vermont: A Report on the First Year. University of Vermont Department of Psychology, 2003.

David McWhirter and Andrew Mattison, The Male Couple (Prentice Hall, 1984) 252.

7. Same-sex “marriage” would further isolate marriage from its procreative purpose.

Traditionally, marriage and procreation have been tightly connected to one another. Indeed, from a sociological perspective, the primary purpose that marriage serves is to secure a mother and father for each child who is born into a society. Now, however, many Westerners see marriage in primarily emotional terms.

Among other things, the danger with this mentality is that it fosters an anti-natalist mindset that fuels population decline, which in turn puts tremendous social, political, and economic strains on the larger society. Same-sex marriage would only further undercut the procreative norm long associated with marriage insofar as it establishes that there is no necessary link between procreation and marriage.

This was spelled out in the Goodridge decision in Massachusetts, where the majority opinion dismissed the procreative meaning of marriage. It is no accident that the countries that have legalized or are considering legalizing same-sex marriage have some of the lowest fertility rates in the world. For instance, the Netherlands, Sweden, and Canada have birthrates that hover around 1.6 children per woman–well below the replacement fertility rate of 2.1.

For national fertility rates, see: http://www.cia.gov/cia/publications/factbook/geos/sw.html

For more on the growing disconnect between marriage and procreation, see: http://marriage.rutgers.edu/Publications/SOOU/SOOU2003.pdf

8. Same-sex “marriage” would further diminish the expectation of paternal commitment.

The divorce and sexual revolutions of the last four decades have seriously undercut the norm that couples should get and stay married if they intend to have children, are expecting a child, or already have children. Political scientist James Q. Wilson reports that the introduction of no-fault divorce further destabilized marriage by weakening the legal and cultural meaning of the marriage contract. George Akerlof, a Nobel laureate and an economist, found that the widespread availability of contraception and abortion in the 1960s and 1970s, and the sexual revolution they enabled, made it easier for men to abandon women they got pregnant, since they could always blame their girlfriends for not using contraception or procuring an abortion.

It is plausible to suspect that legal recognition of homosexual civil marriage would have similar consequences for the institution of marriage; that is, it would further destabilize the norm that adults should sacrifice to get and stay married for the sake of their children. Why? Same-sex civil marriage would institutionalize the idea that children do not need both their mother and their father.

This would be particularly important for men, who are more likely to abandon their children. Homosexual civil marriage would make it even easier than it already is for men to rationalize their abandonment of their children. After all, they could tell themselves, our society, which affirms lesbian couples raising children, believes that children do not need a father. So, they might tell themselves, I do not need to marry or stay married to the mother of my children.

James Q. Wilson, The Marriage Problem. (Perennial, 2003) 175-177.

George A. Akerlof, Janet L. Yellen, and Michael L. Katz, “An Analysis of Out-of-Wedlock Childbearing in the United States.” Quarterly Journal of Economics CXI: 277-317.

9. Marriages thrive when spouses specialize in gender-typical roles.

If same-sex civil marriage is institutionalized, our society would take yet another step down the road of de-gendering marriage. There would be more use of gender-neutral language like “partners” and–more importantly–more social and cultural pressures to neuter our thinking and our behaviors in marriage.

But marriages typically thrive when spouses specialize in gender-typical ways and are attentive to the gendered needs and aspirations of their husband or wife. For instance, women are happier when their husband earns the lion’s share of the household income. Likewise, couples are less likely to divorce when the wife concentrates on childrearing and the husband concentrates on breadwinning, as University of Virginia psychologist Mavis Hetherington admits.

E. Mavis Hetherington and John Kelly, For Better or For Worse. (W.W. Norton and Co., 2002) 31.

Steven Rhoads, Taking Sex Differences Seriously (Encounter Books, 2004).

10. Women and marriage domesticate men.

Men who are married earn more, work harder, drink less, live longer, spend more time attending religious services, and are more sexually faithful. They also see their testosterone levels drop, especially when they have children in the home.

If the distinctive sexual patterns of “committed” gay couples are any indication (see above), it is unlikely that homosexual marriage would domesticate men in the way that heterosexual marriage does. It is also extremely unlikely that the biological effects of heterosexual marriage on men would also be found in homosexual marriage. Thus, gay activists who argue that same-sex civil marriage will domesticate gay men are, in all likelihood, clinging to a foolish hope. This foolish hope does not justify yet another effort to meddle with marriage.

As you can imagine, I am extremely relieved that Prop 8 passed in California.  However, with this small success for the protection of the family unit comes great sorrow as well.  I’ve never seen such outright hatred and intolerance displayed in the United States before.  I’m not referring to those who voted for Prop 8 as some might assume.  Yes, I’m sure there are some who voted for it who are intolerant of those of the alternate lifestyle persuasion, but I am referring to those who were against Prop 8.  Wasn’t part of their argument that we should be understanding and tolerant of all people?  Or are they using a different dictionary from me?  One that states that tolerance means you are only expected to be tolerant of people with the same view point as yourself?  Wow, does my local Borders or Barnes and Noble have that dictionary?

Yes, they have their freedom of speech.  Yes, they have every right to make signs, create petitions, go door to door, and stand around on government grounds trying to be heard.  I suppose they even have the right to make commercials consisting of disgusting lies in order to sway people from voting for Prop 8.  They can come up with all kinds of downright lies and present them as facts, they can take information and skew it before presenting it to the public and think nothing of it because they hope it will further their case.  But when those who disagree with them use faith and religious conviction to further the the passing of Prop 8, suddenly there is a problem.  Those who agree with Prop 8 are suddenly bigots and intolerant.  Why?  Why is it that those who believe God intended one man and one woman to be together in marriage are suddenly being spotlighted as terrible people?  Maybe I don’t understand the definition of intolerance.  I really should get to the bookstore and see if I can find that new liberal dictionary.

This subject is very personal to me as I’ve recently been ridiculed for my support of Prop 8 and as I’ve recently read reports on what those against Prop 8 have been doing to undermine those who support it, and specifically, The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints.   It saddens me that a huge group of people would congregate outside of an LDS temple and verbally attack temple patrons.  That they would picket a temple of God because those going inside might not believe same sex marriage should be legalized is something akin to a child’s temper tantrum. Instead of taking the time to think about what they are doing, they just do.  Instead of taking time to look in the mirror and see the intolerance and hatred in their own faces, they assume that is what drives everyone of the opposite view point.

Now, something I find incredibly sad.  Those of you who read this blog who are not familiar with The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints, may not be aware of this next bit of information.  Members of the LDS Church  who desire to enter the temple must first receive a recommend from their Church leaders.  In order to receive this recommend they must be interviewed and show that they are living worthily to enter the House of the Lord.  There is a series of questions put to them, one of which asks if they align themselves with any group or organization which works toward something contrary to the teachings of the Gospel and the leaders of the Church.  I know that there are members of the Church who are sympathetic to the anti-Prop 8 cause and have gone so far as to protest it, putting signs in their yards, joining in the picket lines and groups of people calling for what they refer to as “tolerance” but in reality isn’t.  These members of the Church will not be able to honestly answer this particular question from their Church leaders in a way that will allow them to proceed into the temple.

There are many who don’t believe that religion should play any part in the decision of legalizing (or not) same sex marriage.   But then there comes the issue of the Bible.  It is plainly described as something vile and sinful.  Those who are faithful Christians should not be asked, or expected, to separate religion from such a decision.   However, if there are those who insist on us coming up with other reasons for disagreeing with legalizing same sex marriage, I will be happy to present some very good reasons in my next post.  Right now, I’m going to go play with my kids.

Ok.  I will need some help with this one.  Girls, ladies, women-why is it that we expect others (especially boys, guys, men) to just instinctively know what we want, think, feel?  We know they aren’t going to get it, so why do we not spell it out for them (in the nicest way possible, of course)?

Guys.  Are you trying?  Or do you just figure you’re never going to understand without us telling you exactly what we think and so why bother?  Help me out here.

Women work hard.  And nothing against working moms, because I know y’all bust your butts, too, but dang us SAHMs are tired at the end of the day!  At least y’all working moms get to talk to other adults and have conversations that don’t center around peanutbutter or Dora the Explorer.  Now don’t get me wrong.  I love being a SAHM and I wouldn’t trade it, but sometimes I dream of what I could possibly get accomplished if I could pawn my kids off for a few days.  Since that isn’t an option, I have to rely on my husband.  (I love you!)  My problem is, I don’t always tell him what I need.  Like a full and complete day off.  This isn’t likely to happen since Emma is still nursing, but it would be nice.  Hey wonderful spouse, since you’re reading this, now you know!  I need a full and complete day off!  Do you think you could take the kids tomorrow?  I don’t know where you’ll take them, but you could take them somewhere and I’ll get all my projects worked on!  Yay!  What do you say!?

See ladies!  See how easy that is?  All you have to do is start a blog, know that your husband reads it and then post what it is that you need!

Ok, for reals now.  Not that that wasn’t real, because it totally was.  But posting a blog entry won’t always be convenient for all of us.  As women we need to change the way we think of ourselves.  We need to be more open and acknowledge what we need or would like and we need to do it, get this–vocally.  Like actually saying it out loud where the man in our lives can hear it.  I’m not saying I’m great at this, he knows I’m not and would never profess to be, but I am working on it.

Now, I want comments!  Why is it so hard to speak up?  Why do we just expect mind reading?  And what can we do to encourage ourselves to speak out loud?

Sorry I haven’t been posting lately, my laptop died and I don’t like typing from the desktop.  We don’t have a proper computer chair and so my wrists hurt when I type at the desktop.  I will try to make myself sit at the desktop on Friday sometime and post, though.   I don’t want to wait until the old Lappy is fixed before posting again.  Thanks for visiting me here!

Since we don’t watch much TV at our house I only recently came across this from Dove.  I was floored.  I always knew that models and celebrities were fussed over to make them look perfect, but I figured it was all done with makeup and hair products.  I never thought about PhotoShop being a big factor in how these “beauties” are presented to us.  If at all I figured it would be used to get rid of a zit or something like that.

Now watch this one.

Scary!  I remember growing up and thinking I was the ugliest girl in my grade, or at least the most plain.  I remember thinking I was fat and too short.  I remember feeling frumpy and clueless about makeup.  I was still a tomboy in high school, so to admit any curiosity in makeup seemed wrong to me, but still I was curious.  There was a model in my homeroom and a Broadway dancer/model in my drama classes.  One of my best friends looked like she could be Uma Thurman’s little sister while another best friend weighed about twenty pounds less than me and was about 8 inches taller than me.  I felt like everywhere I looked I saw people who were prettier than me.  Even at home I felt plain.

With all those feelings from my past that still creep into my thoughts today as I go to the grocery store, to the park, to Church, etc. it is a wonder that I never thought about my daughter’s self image.  Luckily my youngest isn’t 6 months old yet and so there’s no problems there, but my oldest will be 4 in December and I’ve already seen a need in her to be recognized as beautiful, pretty, or cute.  Why did I never think about this before?

Society drills into us the need for girls and women to be ‘beautiful’ and then they raise the standards so high that no woman can possibly attain their definition of beauty.  If they have to primp, prim, and PhotoShop the models, the women who are supposed to be ‘naturally beautiful’ then what are we normal women supposed to do?  Should we give into society and go get our tummies tucked, our breasts perkified, and our skin pulled back around our eyes so we can look thinner, younger, and fresher?  Or should we buy as many skin creams, anti acne meds, hydrating shampoos, firming lotions, etc. as we can afford?

Or should we completely revolt and buy nothing.  In fact refusing to ever shower again!

I think we can all see that both of these options are not realistic.  We do need to take care of ourselves and sometimes special creams, lotions, or shampoos do help our faces keep from drying out, or being too oily, or keep our hair from frizzing.  These are understandable.  However, we should not feel like these products make us beautiful.  Our daughters shouldn’t feel that they are only beautiful if they look like the latest Disney Channel sweetheart.

So what can we do for our daughters to help them feel their self worth and help them know that it shouldn’t be dependent upon their weight, face, or hair?

As I’ve thought about this I’ve only been able to think of a few things, so I hope many of you will comment with your own ideas.

1. Be more positive about our own self worth and self image.  Don’t let our daughters hear us say negative comments about ourselves or our own looks.  If we feel we could improve in a certain area, let them see us work at it, such as diet and exercise.  Be a good example to them.  Let them know that we don’t (or no longer) judge ourselves by what we look like.

2. Let them know that they are beautiful.  Don’t just tell them they are pretty when their hair is done or when they are in their Sunday best.  Let them feel beautiful when they are in their pajamas with their hair all crazy.

3. Let them know that their looks aren’t the most important and let them know how smart, kind, compassionate, funny, creative, loving, talented, etc. they are.   Compliment them frequently.  Not to the point of puffing up their heads, but enough for them to understand the truthfulness of the compliments.

4. Be sincere.  If you don’t mean it, they’ll know it.

What are some other ways in which we can strengthen our daughters?

I recommend going to the Dove website by clicking on the link or by pasting this into your browser.   http://www.campaignforrealbeauty.com/

Dove has workshops for girls, young women, and women to help them improve their self esteem and self image.  I have taken the time to sign up to teach a workshop and I encourage all of you to at least look at their website and learn more about it yourself so you can be ready to teach your own daughters and the young women who will cross your own paths.