thefamily

There seems to be endless ways to lose Mommy Esteem, but few ways to gain it.  However, it is the opposite which is true.  The ways we lose it are 1) Focusing on our weaknesses, and 2) Comparing ourselves to others.  In my last post I covered not comparing ourselves, remembering that our situations are unique, but our feelings, doubts, and insecurities are not.    I mentioned that we need to not be overly concerned with out failings, but instead focus on the fact that we are the best parent for our children because we love them and want what is best for them.    Today I want to discuss positive reinforcement and how we can use it to gain some of that important Mommy Esteem back.

I had a friend once who decided not to use foul language anymore.  It was a real struggle for her.  One day she put a rubber band on her wrist.  Every time she used an inappropriate word she snapped the rubber band.  The negative reinforcement worked—to a point.  She stopped swearing as long as she was wearing the rubber band, but if she forgot to wear it, there was no fear of consequence and she would relapse quickly into her old habit.  She eventually stopped wearing it and asked me to hit her every time she used such language.  After about a week of that she not only was still swearing, but was now mad at me.  Negative reinforcement rarely works to help us become better; its usual accomplishment is one of making us more frustrated or unhappy.

Negative reinforcement doesn’t usually produce lasting positive changes.  Instead of focusing on the negative and punishing yourself (i.e. moping, beating yourself up, crying, negative thoughts) think instead of the positive things you did and how those things made you and your family feel.

Don’t be afraid to ask your children what they like best about you.  Every time I ask my daughter what she likes best about me, she says she likes wrestling with me.  I don’t wrestle with her; I leave that to my husband.  I simply don’t have the energy for it.   But when she says wrestling, I make it a point to have a good tickle-fest with her, which is as close to wrestling as I get.  At the end of the day as I’m putting her to bed, if I ask her what she liked best about the day, she always mentions something we did together.  Let your kids help you find your real strengths and weaknesses and then while you work on those weaknesses, maximize your strengths, focus on those.  It is likely that if you think about the positive things you do, you will automatically do them more often, thereby increasing the positive reinforcement from your children, which in turn will make you think about your positive attributes again and increase your Mommy Esteem.  Ever hear of Pavlov and his dogs?

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