thefamily

How many of you mothers out there think you are doing such a great job with your kids and managing your household that you never need any help, you never compare yourself to other moms you see—unless it’s to remind yourself how much better you are—and how many of you think the idea of hiring a babysitter is a joke because, really, who needs one?  [Crickets chirruping] 

Ok, who sometimes feels like every mom they see deserves a medal (except you, you burnt dinner last night)?  Who sometimes cries to their husband, mother, or a friend, confessing their parental insecurities and fears, their mistakes, small ones and seemingly huge ones?  Is there a woman you’ve placed on a pedestal?  Every time you enter her home it is immaculate, it smells of fragrant candles and homemade dinner instead of diapers and moldy cheese, her children aren’t just dressed, but dressed and hair done, including a cute homemade bow on the newborn baby’s head.  She is showered, dressed in cute, trendy clothes, hair and makeup done.  You look at yourself: you forgot to even put a brush to your head, relying on your fingers to do the job, your clothes have baby spit up and peanut butter stains, there was no time for makeup and you’re still in your glasses, being that you couldn’t even find your contact case because your two year old hid it again?

Every mother has felt this way.  Every mother experiences low Mommy Esteem, feeling like she just isn’t good enough.  There may be days where she feels like if one more thing goes wrong she’s going to have her own little temper tantrum, and maybe she does.  Every mother sees her imperfections as gaping holes in the ozone layer (everyone’s talking about them) instead of the small flaws they usually are (things no one notices, trust me).  When we compare ourselves to others our Mommy Esteem takes some pretty hard hits.  We know every deep secret and dark spot in ourselves, but in others, usually all we are able to see is their shining happy faces as we greet one another, their clean home (because all the crap is hidden in the hallway closet or master bedroom), and perfectly groomed children (the hamper was filled with dirty clothes ten minutes before you got there).  When we fail to realize that other mothers have difficulties and are human, we see our own frailties as monumental.   Just as there is nothing wrong with letting your infant wear a sleep and play outfit she’s already slept in all day and into the next night, there’s nothing wrong with making all your kids get into clean clothes just before company arrives.

Everyone’s situation is different.   Each of us has different strengths and weaknesses.  Some mothers feel completely frazzled if their home is out of order in any way.  Others are neat freaks and make time for cleaning, eliminating something else from the To Do list.  I have tried to designate one day a week as Cleaning Day and the rest of the time I just try to keep the dirty dishes in the dishwasher and not worry about picking up toys, clothes, or vacuuming.  Everything is a matter of balance.  Find the right balance for you.  This may take some experimenting and time, so be patient.

Everyone’s children are different; in fact each child in a family is different.  Don’t feel like a failure because your neighbor’s two year old is reading and your first grader is just learning.  Don’t blame your cooking skills if your toddler refuses to eat anything you make, but will most readily eat your best friend’s homemade lasagna.

There is no secret to how to be a perfect mother because there is no one definition of how to be one.  You are the perfect mother for your children because you love them and they love you.  You want what’s best for them and you’re doing what you can to make it happen.  While the our challenges, children, skills, and habits are different from each other, our feelings for our children, our hopes and dreams for our children, and our goals as mothers are all very similar.  We just take varying paths getting there because the terrain is different.

Today, work on not comparing yourself to other moms you see.  Work on not seeing your own imperfections as huge, life-altering mistakes.  Look for what you are doing right and ask your kids how they think you’re doing.  They’re honest and will tell you what their favorite thing is about being your child and what they think you should work on.

~I’ll be back on Monday with the second post in this three part blog on Mommy Esteem.  Usually I will be posting Monday-Friday, taking Saturday and Sunday off.  Again, let me know if there is a topic you would like covered.

Trackback URI | Comments RSS